Okay, I think I rather close this year with humour instead of mockery. ;p..
And also to add to the record that is difficult for me to break... 9 posts in a month.
Wish you all good new year ahead with a lot of laughter and love!
Enjoy!
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button. "Thanks," says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the man leans over and says to his wife, "Dear, there's something I have to ask you. It's always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know—did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. "Yes," she admits. "He does." Tears well up in the old man's eyes. "Please," he says, "would you tell me who it was?" The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, "You."
A woman golfer visited a driving range and noticed the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir," she said. "You're aiming in the wrong direction, towards the golf shop." "Oy!" the man exclaimed. "Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing. "Not bad," she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he inquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or vat?" "You're quite presentable," she replies, "I don't think that should be a problem." Smiling now, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Vit gladness. All de help you got I vill take," he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent," she replies. "You're Chinese."
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
A man and his wife we re in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody. "
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating. ..then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It's owned by my brother and has all the ice &
cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead.
"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
There once was an elderly couple who had been married for going on fifty years. Every morning, when the husband woke up, he would fart. A real bed shaker that left the wife's eyes watering. She begged him to stop, but he insisted it was a natural bodily function. He seemed to delight in her distress, and she was certain he was doing it on purpose.
Disgusted, she said to him, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out."
After years of enduring, she could take it no longer, and on Thanksgiving morning, after preparing the turkey, she took the giblets upstairs and slipped them under the covers, next to her still-sleeping husband's ass.
Not long after, she hears his wall-shaking flatulence, followed by an unearthly scream.
Twenty minutes later, her husband comes downstairs, white-faced and trembling.
"You were right, Dear," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out. But, by the grace of God, these two fingers, and half a jar of Vaseline, I got them back in!"
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started.."
This drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where’s the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that comes out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.” The drunk says, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!"
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'supplies'!"
So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."
A duck walks into a store and asks the cashier: "Do you have any paddles?" Cashier: "No." The duck repeats: "Do you have any paddles?" Cashier: "No!" The duck asks again, "Do you have any paddles?" "NO!" the cashier shouts. Once again the duck asks "Do you have any paddles?" Fed up, the cashier shouts angrily "No! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your foot to the floor." So the duck walks out. The next day the duck goes to the store and stands in the doorway and asks "Do you have any nails?" The cashier says "no." The duck says "Good, do you have any paddles?"
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old-timer, time to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh." The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In more than 20 years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient." "OK, then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is presented with the smallest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
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