I haven’t written crappy whinny long post for some time. There are too many things happening this and last month. Happy, sad, happy, sad, sad, sad…Luckily, in between crappy moments, somebody always make me smile again, hubby, good friend, lost friend, new friend, not so new friend, hidden friend.. blah blah you know what I mean.
Five months into my study, I still survive. Studying something that doesn’t related to my background and in language that I’m not academically familiar with, I was skeptical at first. But so far the result has been very very good, looks like I’m quite expert in bullshitting, I had never get so good results before in my previous school history. But I have to admit, writing blog, talking crap like this actually helps me in school, ha…at least I learn to think fast. Right or wrong, understand or not, get idea or not, just writeeee… tancap terus….yihaaaaaaaaaa..
Next week would be my last week in my current office. After working for five years here, it’s definitely not an easy decision to make. I tried to exit a year ago, I was surprised that two bosses of mine actually spent a lot of time talking me out of that idea. Fair enough, I gave it another try. But human is human, company is company, principle is principle. Wise man says, damage has been done. I’ve never looked at things the same way again.
I thought I have outgrown my stubbornness. I haven’t, although I would stand here to defend my stubbornness and why I’m being stubborn (this is how a stubborn person talks).
I wanted to stay in the company at least until I finish my study, oh I was pretty sure, I need to stay to finance my study. But I can’t close my eyes to certain things I don’t approve, and every signs of thing dropping further into the drain are very clear. The stupidest reason that I believe but maybe no one else will look at it the same way, I saw a person that I admire changes. It breaks me. I used to hold up so much respect for that person but slowly and sure, I see how the environment washes it out. And I don’t want to be like that one day.
I want to exit when it still high, I want to leave the door when everyone is still smiling and remember it as the way it is. I don’t want to lose my respect and my principle.
As I said, It was a very difficult decision. It’s like the second home to me, surgically attached. This morning when I walked to the office, I was tracing the path that I have been walking for five years plus, I don’t really remember mornings with bad mood, I remember being happy here, that’s what I’m keeping but I’m sad because it’s something so nice that I’m going to leave. But the another thing whacked my head, because it’s not nice anymore that I leave.
My mood is swinging like this for about one and a half month. One second, I was happy and jumping that I want to say bubye to all the things that makes me unhappy, the other second I was so sad when I remember the good things I have here. I had never need to visit toilet so often in my five years when the bad habit of girls is kicking. Together with other incident in family, I had no idea that I could be that sad.
But things are funny in their own way. So many people had talked to me since then. Some comes like angels in disguise, at the right time and the right place when my mood was so crappy I could only sit and did nothing. From those close friends until those I never imagined of. One guy in office bumped into me, as usual, we checked on each other. He was very surprised when he found out and he said, It’s very sad.. I’m losing another good friend..” All my time here I have mostly only exchanged hello and goodbye although he sat some cubicle away from me only about a year.
Another one I am not even sure what his name (chinese name., it's complicated!) bumped into me also, he said, "I heard you are leaving, is that true?" Then: "Aiyah...! Why all pretty girls are leaving. left those aunties...etc etc etc" Kekekekeke.... I'm not the one saying..don't puke on me!Today, I got phone call from my best friend miles away. I was so happy to hear his voice from the phone, although we didn’t have enough time to update each other news at all except making fun and jokes on each other. But it came like a message telling me, if a person doesn’t change, regardless how far you go, you and me can be still the same.
So I’m alright, I’m actually feel very okay this week after coming back from Tioman. But as the time come near, I have flashbacks. But I have many angels surround me, so it’s fine.
To my relieve, I can still respect ‘this’ person. I come to realize something, he doesn’t want to change, but the environment tries to change him. We actually found out a year ago that we have so much things in common, we hold the same principle and same way to view life. I had my doubt for very long, but I’m glad that he still the same.
So now, facing my other challenges. How do I survive after this…?
I was very scared.
But now, I think I will survive somehow.
We see them as we are.
- The Talmud
Sorrow remembered sweeten present joy.
- Robert Pollok
- Blaise Pascal
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