Dreams.. How nice?

When I was in primary school, with a group of friends, we used to share a dream. Since we were very close friends and often hung out together, we figured how nice it would be if all of us become neighbors.

I’ll be next to you. You’ll be next to her, and so on..

When I grow up I want to be a doctor. I’ll be teacher. I’ll be astronaut. So we can help to complete the neighborhood… we share things and walk our dogs together…

Obviously, it doesn’t happen. When we continue our education, we split up. We met new friends, stayed in new places, grew older and the dream changed…

But my next retirement uhmm..maybe not retirement, but future plan was to buy a plot of land in New Zealand, grow many horses and dogs, have tree house, have beautiful garden with beautiful lakes, overlooking to blue sky everywhere.

The dream changes again,

my current one was to live in seaside, where I can hear the sound of the wave every minute, with ocean as my swimming pool, where every turtles come under my balcony to lay eggs…. But my backyard remains the same, beautiful garden where I can grow horses and dogs. Mhahaha…

It’s not impossible, I have been there once. There was a place called Altamar in Philippine. The small resort occupied almost an island, when white sandy beach with all sort of seashells can be found. There are palms and coconut trees grow there, where they tie hammocks and swings for the best nap I had ever had. Boats are parked just like that at the seashore. Walking in directly to the water, or just take a few minutes boat rides, we could dip into the beautiful underwater paradise. Simple and modest huts are built not far away. When we walked deeper, there are slightly hilly areas, where the big house is located. It has 360 degree view, balconies, windows and rooms with beautiful natural decorations. There are decks where we could sit and there are day beds where we could relax and read. In the backyard are the huge endless field of green grass and tree with horses, ducks, chickens, monkey but too bad they didn’t have dogs and tree house. When night comes, the moon would crawl out and shine the sea, frogs and crickets would sing the lullaby.

There are no turtles coming in at night, but the place was close enough.

Dreams. How nice.

But could it be that dreams are just dreams?

I respect what older people told me, as long as they make sense. Anyway, I admire them because they have been surviving in this world, went through so many things, stand tall and mourn so many deaths, who witness all the ugliness of human being. I believe they must be very strong and obviously they know more.

In my new work place, my colleagues are much older than me. There is one who has some similarities with me; we love natures, taking photograph of wild lives, and interested art and crafts. One day we talked about retirement plan. Well, she actually has reached the age, and I learn one big thing from her.

She told me, whatever retirement ideas people are planning, it might change and it might never be come true.

Well, I’m not a really planning person. Actually I have never planned anything further than few months. I planned my whole marriage in less than ¾ of year. I didn’t plan to have boyfriend or husband before it happened..mhaha…my mind was blank and I just lived as days went by.

Now, I guess I’m better planner. At least I think ahead, although not so much that it hardly exceed few month in the future. I have my dreams but it’s just something I put as a goal one day. Working through it, haven’t really started yet. The most consistent things I have planned are holidays, travelling…

When she told me that she used to love travelling, but now she doesn’t like it anymore. I kind of don’t believe that. At least at that moment I couldn’t think of a reason why it would happen to me. I think I would always like to go places, to experience different cultures and see different people and natural wonders. But then, as a suggestion from someone else, maybe travelling is not appealing to her because she doesn’t have her travelling companions anymore.

Things might be nice, sky might be bright out there, air might be fresher, but it’s right, completely right, if I have to enjoy it alone, it would be lonely, it would be sour when I don’t have someone or people around where I can share the wonderful things I see along the way.

I guess I will still like travelling as a solitary time. But maybe, maybe, things will never be the same.

It also happens to her retirement plan, which is almost similar to mine. To stay in beautiful places, near the sea, near the nature, but with her friends only. They are half way there, the place is even already exists, but everything changes, even if she doesn’t, her friends do. And there goes the plan; it’s as easy as that.

So what I learn from that.. maybe not much different from what I’ve already known. But nevertheless, everything becomes more real, that reality exists and sucks sometimes…

I guess…I just guess…it still alright to be a mere monthly planner.,

And it’s still alright to have lifelong dream..

And it’s still alright to hold on to reality..

Because we might never have it all, yet we might have it all…

_________________________________________________________________

Things are not what they seem; nor are they otherwise.
- Shurangama Sutra (700 BC)

Rather than continuing to seek the truth, simply let go of your views.
- The Bussha (563-483 BC)

A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read.
- The Talmud

The only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
- Pliny The Elder, Rome

Selling Life

I read this in newspaper. After a divorce, a guy decides to sell away his life. His car, his house, his belongings like jet skis, piano etc even his job. So he auctions everything as a package, for the job, he will introduce the buyer for some attachment and testing period for the job suitability, with the concern of his boss. At the end, he would go to the airport and board any flight that comes his way at that very moment.

Wow. I think it’s a wow.

He must hate or loves his ex wife very strongly. Well, they say love and hate is just divided by a string. Not entirely agree, but both are very strong emotion. I can see why love can turn into hate, but for hate that turn into love, it’s too much of drama plot…?

And it’s a wow too to have that much of courage; many people in the world can’t even bear to take up the risk of doing one quarter of that. Traveling to foreign country, quit job, moving is already kind of very big thing that not everybody is willing to do if they don’t have too. I once imagine that if something ever hit me so hard that I lost my mind, I would travel to Tibet (well not at current time) and stay there in the mountain where no one recognizes me and I recognize no one. Maybe after I know every twist and turn of the path, I will head back home, or wait until there is someone who truly understands me and find me there (it happens all the time in the movie he……). But to really sell a life away, it must be very hard.

Hard in emotional way, hard in bureaucracy way.

Bureaucracy, imagine if this guy is in Singapore, and he is Indonesian. First, he has to sell away this house, wait for HDB appointment, at least appointment 1 and 2 and hand over key, document signing etc. He has to resign, serve notice and clear up any taxes and etc, it’s almost impossible or he has to wait long-long to get Singapore employer’s agreement for a stranger fellow to take over his job. He can’t anyhow board a plane because Indonesian passport only limit us to regional visa-less travel. To draw money from everything he sells is another bureaucracy, and so on and so forth. If it doesn’t kill him, then he can continue..

Emotional way, leave a lot to explain but nothing is enough to explain too..
Example, even when I moved out Jakarta, on the last day before departure then I realized, I was actually moving my life. Things will never be the same again. The family and friends will be away. If any obstacles come my way, I will only depend on myself. I can’t anyhow just come home and say,” My colleague farted in meeting room today.”
I have to wait until I got chance to go out, to find a interlocal phone booth and when I finally reached them, it’s not a fun story anymore, or I can’t afford to tell small stories everyday. Or I have to wake up extra early to catch the discounted phone connection. That’s for small stories.
For big ones, ones that might make me sad, cry, angry, upset, I have to make sure that I survive first before I can share my troubles.

That’s for moving life, for selling life, that means he is reborn. Starts everything all over again, to help him forget the bitter past, but also means, he washes out everything nice he had also. Actually, is there really a way to forget something bitter in the past? Even by selling life? I can’t think of a way except go and find the hardest rock and bang your head to it until you get amnesia. Because everything is carved in the brain, in the heart. When a person is so called get over of unpleasant things, it’s because they have learned to deal with it and they have become ‘less hurt’ by it, but not by forgetting it or selling it away…is it? I think it just doesn’t work that way….

Bye Sony

I don’t know about others, but we always have empathy for things. Things that we own for a long time, especially. It’s just sad when it’s time to let go.

When we had to give up our 8 years computer, I couldn’t help but give it a hug and thank you.

Last week we sold our 6 years Sony DSC-F717 for less than a quarter of its price, not to mention additional accessories that are included. We have been trying to sell it away for a long time. But when it’s finally sold, a bulk of sadness hit us. So it’s gone. It’s gone. We hesitated to let it go, but to keep it means the value will keep dropping while we are not using it anymore.

Maybe some memories that a thing served in the past mean a lot that it connects back to the fondness of the stuff. This camera was the first luxury thing we bought together. It saw us through many things, the registry of marriage, the wedding party, my brother’s wedding, the honeymoon trip and daily photo hunting. It even got us into mild trouble because of its bulky and ‘pro’ appearance when we were questioned by two suspicious cops while taking pictures..of…ugh..the sea (what are thinking anyway…).

As sad as other electronic stuff that fight their survival through the crazy pace of technology, the Sony came to the end when we picked up diving. It’s too expensive to house, the underwater casing cost much more than a (new camera with better feature + underwater casing + accesories), and even if we were willing to pay for the housing, it would be too risky if there’s any malfunction or flooding in the future, because the product was almost discontinued. With the new camera, Sony became just ‘land camera.’

Obviously, its new title was a big disadvantage, when the trips we made are mainly for diving, the new camera is a better option for land and sea, when much much more petite build for convenience. We tried to use it often, but all the extra tedious factors like Sony exclusive memory card hit in hard. We used to survive with 32 and 64M, but sadly, it’s just no big enough anymore and it’s too costly to upgrade. The longer we tried to hold it, the lesser the value it had become.

So sad, but we are happy to know that the camera is on the way to Philippine. Magically enough, a tourist bought it (what a hunter tourist!), he hunted it down through forum advertisement and we saw him used it. He happens to have same hobby with hubby and they met again in the RC track. So at least it will serve its purpose to somebody who hopefully treats it good.

Exaggerating post for a stuff? I don’t think so.

A nice stuff that witness important part of our lives.

Kan Pei

Yesterday night I went out with my classmates, H and B. Three of us have grown very close throughout the year.
Eventhough we are all come from different background, different culture, different ages, different lives, it amazes me that we can be friends.
Original plan was to celebrate our results on exams. We have been doing well by passing every subjects, some we had higher than expected result. So, we cheered to us, kan pei to us, kan pei to H's new life as single parent. Kan pei to her longing to go back to home town. Kan pei to our ups and downs in life and kan pei for better future. We also locked pinky fingers to promise that we will see each other again even though after we graduate in the near future.

When we kanpei for the upcoming "we promise to always be friends and we'll hang out again", strange enough three of us felt same kind of sadness, but we gulped it down instantly. It hasn't happened yet, although it will. I guess we are feeling the same thing. It happens that when we joined the class, separately each of us were going through difficult times. Finding new friends, good friends is not easy and we were lucky to find each other that classes has been our place to unwind from life.

So let us lift up our cups and celebrate every good things in life. :)

Masih Kurang Aturannya? (UPDATED)

Orang Singapur gila peraturan. Mereka gila karena peraturan, mereka gila pula karena senang dengan peraturan.

Salah satu peraturan yang suka bikin bengong orang yang baru pertama kali kesini, gak boleh makan permen karet. Soalnya kotor, lengket, butuh duit buat bersihin.
Lantas..gimana dengan kata researcher yang bilang permen karet justru dianjurkan buat menghilangkan stress? Atlet..ujian..orang2 kerja?
Pokoknya jorok, gak mau tau. Kalau mau makan permen karet, bayar denda.

Homo sapiens, makin dilarang, makin seneng. Kalo ada kesempatan nyebrang ke Johor ,yang pertama dibeli seringnya permen karet. Gile lho.. ini langka..,kapan2 lagi makan permen karet.

Selaen permen karet, banyak aturan-aturan lagi, walaupun banyak pula yang berupa guidelines. Dijalanin syukur, gak dijalanin gak dipenjara, paling dikepret. Tapi dikepret gak enak, bikin bête. Jadi kudu dijalanin. Misalnya, kayak naik escalator, udah kayak bus kota atau jalan tol. Kanan buat mendahului. Dan sebagainya. Dan sebagainya.

Orang pernah nanya, emang gak stress hidup disini. Jalan cepet-cepet, makan kudu cepat-cepat sebelom piringnya ditarik-tarik. Iyah sih, rese juga. Cuman herannya, kayaknya banyak juga orang yang pengen lebih dikekang.

Belom lama lagi beken soal orang ngasih tempat duduk buat ibu2 hamil. Bagusnya, karena jarang kriminalitas, koran2 gak ada kerjaan yang lebih penting, jadi ngebahas macem2. Nah, ibu2 hamil kan bawanya berat tuh, begitu pula kakek-kakek nenek nenek atau orang yang bawa belanjaan buat tiga tahun. Itu diperdebatkan, banyak remaja atau manusia yang masih kagak mau kasih tempat duduk buat mereka, ada yang pura-pura tidur, ada yang baca Koran dan laen-laen.

Wow. Heboh. Orang2 mulai mencela. Gue sih diem aja, gue sering kasihan sama orang2 yang dikira ‘kudu’ ngasih duduk. Bener lho, orang tuh bisa kecapean kerja, orang tuh bisa mulas perut melilit, orang bisa hamil muda, lemah, atau bisa juga anemic, atau habis begadang. Kan gak keliatan. Kan gak ketauan.

Setelah ramai diperdebatkan, muncul ide-ide dikoran. Kenapa gak dikasih peraturan aja kalo orang yang gak kasih duduk dihukum denda kek, dipenjara kek. Biasanya gak cuman satu pembaca yang koar-koar begitu, tapi ada beberapa yang dimuat, yang gak dimuat, hanya monyet yang tau ada berapa.

Begitu pula kemaren, Koran memuat cerita banyaknya anjing kucing yang terbuang setelah pemiliknya bosen, banyakan pada bermerek, anjing ras. Jadi ketahuan tuh biang keroknya orang2 kaya yang paling tidak punya condominium yang bisa membeli anjing ras dan…membuangnya.
Debat debit debat, muncul lagi dikoran, kenapa gak dikasih aturan kalo anjing ras dilarang import, pembiakan local juga harus dikontrol, pet shop gak boleh jual anjing rasa tau ada quotanya..

Begitu lagi.
Gue heran, kenapa orang-orang sok pintar itu demen banget jadi robot-robotan, kalau semuanya harus dikontrol pake aturan, kemana artinya syaraf-syaraf otak yang bisa membedakan apa yang sebaiknya dilakukan apa yang enggak. Lama-lama, orang gak bisa ambil keputusan sendiri, lama-lama orang bingung apa yang pantas apa yang dienggak, gak punya lagi moral untuk berpikir dan memutuskan…
Gak punya lagi yang namanya tenggang rasa, kebaikan hati dan kemurnian jiwa..Huahahaha..
Keledai..

Untungnya, pemerintah cukup pintar, jadi yang kayak gitu-gitu gak didengerin. Benernya mereka lebih pintar lagi kalo gue denger dari dosen gue, misalnya banyak aturan-aturan bisnis atau karyawan yang ternyata tidak resmi. Jadi daripada ‘law’ yang ada hukuman, mereka pake ‘guidelines’. Buat perusahaan local, cukup ngepek, karena orang sini takut aturan. Buat perusahaan asing, banyak loopholes. Tapi itu strategy, biar orang pada mau bisnis disini, karena mereka mikir, kalo terlalu rigid, kebanyakan aturan, siapa yang mau..

Tuh kan orang2, cam kan itu…siapa mau di dinding subway tulisannya semua…jangan gak kasih duduk, denda 500 dollar, jangan maen2in ringtone atau maen game dengan suara berisik, jangan punya earphone yang kedengeran orang laen, yang berambut banyak dan keriting jangan nyender-nyender atau kena2in orang, jangan bau, denda 500 dollar..

Biarpun gue setuju sama hal-hal yang dilarang2 itu, tapi kan gak waras kalo ampe dijadiin aturan..


UPDATE 22/03/2008:

These nutcases just never stop!
Around three days ago a person posted a letter to newspaper asking the goverment to ban char kway tiau, a Singaporean delicacy, because his daughter is obese. He wants government to monitor the selling of healthy food.

It really really difficult to understand and get it into my head.
I guess one word or two can nail it; Self Control!

If you are fasting, don't ask people to cover up their food for you.
If you are horny bastard, don't ask people to hide in the blanket so that you are 'spared' from being invited.
If you want to be healthy by not eating oily food, oh well! I don't know the answer... perhaps poke your eyes and stuff your nose, see no evil.,smell no evil..

Luckily, amusingly, a day after there are letters from disagree readers who are as amused as me...
So at least the world is not so weird huh...at least there are people out there who go to the greater length to post their objections rather than cursing in their own online diary eh?

Huh

Somehow, I think., a lot of people are not prepared to hear the truth.
I guess they know what the truth, I guess we always know somehow, but yet many times we try to suppress it and don’t want to hear or think about it.

I think I come to the time that I can’t stand there and sweet coat things for people to hear. From refraining to comment until I just have to say what I think. But of course, I won’t do it for someone I don’t care about. I mean speaking the truth, because most people can’t take it well. If I don’t know them well, they will misunderstand and the hell, I don’t care enough to spare my thoughts.

For those I care about, sometimes they can’t accept it well too, but crossing finger, I do believe they do or they will. It’s just maybe denial is stronger at the time when they are down, when they need to know the truth and there is a protective cloud.

Sort it through all those nice and sweetly-coat thing you want to hear, but perhaps my bitter one is what you need.
Oh well, I guess it happens everywhere, to everyone, including me. It takes time.

Maybe to simplify what I want to say.

Example..

One feels fat. She somehow knows she is growing wider, because she’s lazy to exercise.
One day she asks friend, do I look fat? Friends don’t want to hurt her feelings. Of course not. Not really. No lahhhhh…or else. When one says, I think you do. That person is enemy. She is speaking crap and doesn’t know what she says.

What a crappy example. Let me try again.

He is losing her. She likes someone else. He thinks she is bad, unfaithful, ungrateful, dishonest.
But friends can see that he didn’t treat her well. He breaks promises, he never appreciates her, he says hurtful things. But not many will say so when he consults them, only a handful dares to voice up. He might takes it or he might thinks they are talking crap.

Okay., another crappy example.

I give up.

I just want to say.

I think, if one take the risk to tell you the truth, that be it.

If you appreciate it, it’s good because it’s hard.

If you don’t, I can’t sugarcoat what I’ve said to undo the hurtful truth.

Be it. I’m tired too.